Babymania

What mother hasn't been in this predicament? Child screaming and crying, arms flailing, legs kicking? And what is a mother to do? There is so much advice out there from well-meaning "experts", grandparents and friends.. and even passersby if the tantrum is taking place in the most feared of places: PUBLIC!

So, what do you do?

We've all been down this road. Of my 5 children, my 3rd and 5th were the ones who had tantrums. It's really how the parents view the tantrum that dictates how parents respond or react. Perhaps you're of the belief (false as it is) that the child is attempting to manipulate the parent into giving in to the child for some reason? If that's how you view it, you will react. How will you react? Perhaps by spanking or otherwise reprimanding the child. Maybe you've been told to ignore the tantrum and it will go away.

The truth is, a toddler has little experience with emotions and how to handle them. When they feel an emotion and don't know what to do with it, they cry. It's no different than when they were infants who couldn't put their emotions/needs into words. The more frustrated they become, the worse it gets. If they're needs aren't met immediately, that's when you get the full-blown tantrum.

They are young. They've only had, what, a year or two of experience with this world and the emotions it can trigger. Should we, then, expect them to behave with wisdom, know-how and maturity? Or like all other things in their little world, understand that this is a new experience and must be taught more about it?

If the child is frustrated, give them words to apply to the emotion. "Aww you're sad, aren't you?" or "It's so frustrating when you can't get the blocks to stay stacked, isn't it?" and a hug always helps while saying these things. By responding right away, giving them affection, showing with your words that you do understand their feelings and thusly helping them to understand their feelings and the words to express them.. you are training them to handle their emotions better as children and later as adults. (Don't you hate adults that blow up in anger rather than talking? Chances are they were never taught how to express themselves.)

"So what if the tantrum is because they didn't get their way? Do I coddle them then too???" Firstly, it's not coddling. It's training/teaching. And yes, you continue to train them at that time too. (After all, who wants an adult that can't handle not getting his way? I've known some of those, and they're even less fun than the tantrum-throwing-toddler!)Very firmly but lovingly saying, "I know that you're [sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, etc] that you can't have that, but screaming doesn't help." And then take them in your arms in a hug and walk away from the item, situation or whatever is disappointing them.

I have a 3 year old. We go through this. We live through it. I'm the mother. It is my responsibility to be the mature of the two of us. Getting angry puts me on her level. Ignoring her will never teach her and will not build trust between us. As it stands now, she gets frustrated when I say "no" but now she comes to me (or her siblings) crying and saying "I'm sad" and we tell her we understand and it's going to be OK. And we move on. It's only as difficult as you make it.

Michelle Cannon is the mother to 5 children. She's been teaching parenting since 1993 and currently teaches natural parenting. You may find more of her articles at http://primalmommies.blogspot.com

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